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andrew cohen
July 2009 
What transparency did next...
Posted on Sep 16th, 2006
by 
yeshe
yeshe
Sitting here feeling overwhelmed. So much to do, so many exciting projects to embark upon and progress. So much that Self wants to see happen in the world. And here comes small self, feeling slighted because he’s been seeing another woman behind my back. I’m being traded in for a younger model.
The thing that seems to rankle the most is that it’s taken him months to tell me. He’s felt bad about it and so has closed down, been cold and avoiding. Taking not giving. All the people he’s turned to for advice told him not to tell me. Huh?! I just couldn’t have imagined such cowardice, I guess. He was afraid he’d hurt me. Bollocks. He was afraid, full stop.
It talks far and wide of the illusions of life. We don’t respond to what is, but to what we think. Of all the hypotheses I had about what might have been troubling him, that one didn’t even occur to me. And yet, what could be more obvious?! I just couldn’t believe he wouldn’t tell me. Now that he’s told me, of course, he feels a lot better. Now he can have his cake and eat it. And I’m free to recover from this involuntary winding. It’s quite impressive how my body has caught this stuff right in the solar plexus.
But of course, there’s plenty of juicy fat shadow in here. So I willingly take my share of responsibility for what’s happened. Because it’s got everything to do with my own incongruence. All along I’ve known that he wasn’t comfortable in this relationship. I could sense his incongruence. And my own incongruence at not challenging him so convincingly that he would pack his bags and leave. Instead I elected to do nothing. I didn’t fancy going back to feeling hungry again - or rather, to not being able to deny it. Now I elect to feel it fully and deeply, as far down as it goes (haven’t found the bottom of it yet). I prefer to call it yearning. Let that be my practice for as long as it lasts.
I just spent the weekend with Nick Drummond of Nordic Integral (more about that later). He works with children and teachers in Sweden with a model called “it’s your choice”. Based on the teaching of Andrew Cohen. The premise is that people always know instinctively whether they are making a good choice or a bad one. And he’s so right. The question is why, when we know we’re surrendering to shadow, do we do it anyway? Ostensibly it’s to save us from pain, but all we’re doing is creating more pain for ourselves and for those we profess to love.
I’m processing this, holding the pain and allowing it to transmute and self-liberate in the benign witness of my larger Self. And more little beads of pain are popping up, all strung on the same gossamer thread of this issue. (Someone wise once said I had “defective picker genes”). Why do I keep choosing blimps who can’t commit… worse still, they’ll happily commit to other women, just not to me! Wee little ego again. I’m learning to recognise the contours of its self-contraction.
In the mean time, I’m getting on with my life (taking my daughter to the dentist, searching for my son’s lost locker key, attending meetings, dealing with other people’s problems) and running this ego stuff on the back burner. Every so often it pops up requiring my attention. The rest of the time it’s just pootling along on autopilot. I can feel it in my body. Transmuting this painful episode. When another piece emerges, it is brought before my inner eye for contemplation, released. I have the image of the army of the dead in the Lord of the Rings - dissolving in the breeze after fighting their last battle and being released by the King returned.
I don’t want to do this any more. I’ve had it with men for a while (she says: famous last words, no doubt). I don’t want to engage in intimacy with any more bundles of incongruence. Unless they can engage with their issues transparently, with a minimum of courage, I just don’t want to waste my time. I feel so alone with this stuff, having to seek out my own blind spots because the other person whose job it was was too afraid to play the game. Or something like that. My idea of a relationship is where we can lovingly hold each other to account and open up to the challenges.
I’ve just been informed by one of the beloved people I live with that she thinks it will be very difficult for me to ever find a suitable partner because I am independent and I don’t need anything. So a man can’t feel important and powerful, and men won’t enter into a relationship unless they feel important. Is that so? Are there any men out there who can shed some light on this for me?
It’s true, I’ve had my kids, and I have my own career, my own household, my own evolving work in the world. Is that it? If I can’t adorn someone’s self-aggrandizement, I’m destined to a life of intimacy with myself? Better than a life of alienation with someone else? All an illusion anyway? The whole thing won’t keep still - it changes every time I visit.
Back after taking Anna to the dentist and buying the kids an icecream… burning CDs to save my computer from imminent overload… I’m aware of this schizophrenia, big mind just holding the space and little ego seething away, chattering like a cross little monkey, puffing up with outrage at being so badly treated. I’m going to lay it to rest now, and move on.
The thing that seems to rankle the most is that it’s taken him months to tell me. He’s felt bad about it and so has closed down, been cold and avoiding. Taking not giving. All the people he’s turned to for advice told him not to tell me. Huh?! I just couldn’t have imagined such cowardice, I guess. He was afraid he’d hurt me. Bollocks. He was afraid, full stop.
It talks far and wide of the illusions of life. We don’t respond to what is, but to what we think. Of all the hypotheses I had about what might have been troubling him, that one didn’t even occur to me. And yet, what could be more obvious?! I just couldn’t believe he wouldn’t tell me. Now that he’s told me, of course, he feels a lot better. Now he can have his cake and eat it. And I’m free to recover from this involuntary winding. It’s quite impressive how my body has caught this stuff right in the solar plexus.
But of course, there’s plenty of juicy fat shadow in here. So I willingly take my share of responsibility for what’s happened. Because it’s got everything to do with my own incongruence. All along I’ve known that he wasn’t comfortable in this relationship. I could sense his incongruence. And my own incongruence at not challenging him so convincingly that he would pack his bags and leave. Instead I elected to do nothing. I didn’t fancy going back to feeling hungry again - or rather, to not being able to deny it. Now I elect to feel it fully and deeply, as far down as it goes (haven’t found the bottom of it yet). I prefer to call it yearning. Let that be my practice for as long as it lasts.
I just spent the weekend with Nick Drummond of Nordic Integral (more about that later). He works with children and teachers in Sweden with a model called “it’s your choice”. Based on the teaching of Andrew Cohen. The premise is that people always know instinctively whether they are making a good choice or a bad one. And he’s so right. The question is why, when we know we’re surrendering to shadow, do we do it anyway? Ostensibly it’s to save us from pain, but all we’re doing is creating more pain for ourselves and for those we profess to love.
I’m processing this, holding the pain and allowing it to transmute and self-liberate in the benign witness of my larger Self. And more little beads of pain are popping up, all strung on the same gossamer thread of this issue. (Someone wise once said I had “defective picker genes”). Why do I keep choosing blimps who can’t commit… worse still, they’ll happily commit to other women, just not to me! Wee little ego again. I’m learning to recognise the contours of its self-contraction.
In the mean time, I’m getting on with my life (taking my daughter to the dentist, searching for my son’s lost locker key, attending meetings, dealing with other people’s problems) and running this ego stuff on the back burner. Every so often it pops up requiring my attention. The rest of the time it’s just pootling along on autopilot. I can feel it in my body. Transmuting this painful episode. When another piece emerges, it is brought before my inner eye for contemplation, released. I have the image of the army of the dead in the Lord of the Rings - dissolving in the breeze after fighting their last battle and being released by the King returned.
I don’t want to do this any more. I’ve had it with men for a while (she says: famous last words, no doubt). I don’t want to engage in intimacy with any more bundles of incongruence. Unless they can engage with their issues transparently, with a minimum of courage, I just don’t want to waste my time. I feel so alone with this stuff, having to seek out my own blind spots because the other person whose job it was was too afraid to play the game. Or something like that. My idea of a relationship is where we can lovingly hold each other to account and open up to the challenges.
I’ve just been informed by one of the beloved people I live with that she thinks it will be very difficult for me to ever find a suitable partner because I am independent and I don’t need anything. So a man can’t feel important and powerful, and men won’t enter into a relationship unless they feel important. Is that so? Are there any men out there who can shed some light on this for me?
It’s true, I’ve had my kids, and I have my own career, my own household, my own evolving work in the world. Is that it? If I can’t adorn someone’s self-aggrandizement, I’m destined to a life of intimacy with myself? Better than a life of alienation with someone else? All an illusion anyway? The whole thing won’t keep still - it changes every time I visit.
Back after taking Anna to the dentist and buying the kids an icecream… burning CDs to save my computer from imminent overload… I’m aware of this schizophrenia, big mind just holding the space and little ego seething away, chattering like a cross little monkey, puffing up with outrage at being so badly treated. I’m going to lay it to rest now, and move on.
Access: Public
My heart goes out to you, Helen. <3
Big hugs
Grace
Dear Helen,
Found your blog today, after your e-mail.
Helen, you are a beautiful woman , inner side and out side!!!
One of the most difficult things in life is to choose the right partner that gives growth for the both, infinitely.
The 'problem' is more that you are a very developed woman, and we know the numbers of developed people, beyond yellow, turquoise (S.D.). Its a very, very low percentage of the total world population…
So it is not because you are an independent, or a nothing needing woman.
It's more about 'beeing able to see' in this small 'community' what you really need, thats the most difficult part there is in life, for everyone, it's universal…
The man that you need, and needs you, looks right through this all and will love you even more for that in a respectfull loving way.
And yes there are such men, not in abundant quantities, but there are…
For the moment it's painfull, i hear you.
Big HUG
desiree
Dear Desiree! You're right, I know you are. Just to keep my hand in, I've been listening to David Deida. My practice for now will be just feeling that deep yearning that is third stage woman and living from that space. It's not hard when the sore spots are so close to the surface.
I have been unfair on Geert, maybe, putting this in a public space. He is a dear being and I truly wish him well. Since he's still here, he's still getting the odd serving of tongue pie when I'm pissed with all males of the species. It happens. And he patiently stands there and takes it, with hardly a “Well…” in his defence!
Love ya
Dear Helen,
“I’ve just been informed by one of the beloved people I live with that she thinks it will be very difficult for me to ever find a suitable partner because I am independent and I don’t need anything. So a man can’t feel important and powerful, and men won’t enter into a relationship unless they feel important. Is that so? Are there any men out there who can shed some light on this for me?”
I know this is almost a month later, and maybe you'll have found suitable answers to these questions already, but being a man, or so I somethimes think :-) there are some answers here that might be of use.
“So a man can’t feel important and powerful, and men won’t enter into a relationship unless they feel important. Is that so? ” I don't know if men generally have this need to feel powerful and important. I am often rather motivated by the feeling of doing something meaningfull and supportive of people around me.
I rather find another general 'need' among men - it is the need to be free, which seems to mean, free to go our own way unchecked.
Our first experience as man is of a strong and all-powerful woman - our mother. She sets the limit to our relentless curiosity. She is also the one who had to cope with our sensual joys as they develop: all boys from the age of 1 or 2 years old onwards like to play with their pecker a lot if you let them, sometimes proudly presenting it in it's hardened shape to their mother and others around. This is not encouraged, to say the least. From this we must conclude that there is something wrong with our feelings - especially pleasurable ones.
So women have power over our sensual and sexual feelings, a conclusion that a boy correctly draws; at least I found that in me. Such powerful beings are best kept at a little distance in the hope that if they hurt us (and that they inevitably will at some time) it will not be too overwhelming. We want to be free from that prohibiting influence.
I guess that men, wanting to feel important and powerful, are going for a compensation for the little power they have over women - and the huge power they have over 'us'. This is a conclusion I draw from the first 'men's group' I did as part of the Dionysian Festival I organise here in Postupice (Czech Rep.) once a year. Asking the men to share their most traumatic experience it's all about this huge power of women in their life and how they were hurt. And how now, trying to protect themselves against it, they don't want to get too intimate (and I would add especially with a strong, independent woman - especially if she isn't obviously restraintful. The need to be with a young woman might very well stem from the centuries of experience that these women have not enough power to overwhelm us. The sad part being, of course, that they don't allow for a peer2peer partnership where we can truly meet eye to eye).
I'm not such a fan of what I call “vertical spirituality”; much rather I take a stand for what so far I've called 'cooperative spirituality' (more about that here). The vertical spirituality looks for 'higher development' etc. to gain power over the 'lower' levels of development - basically. (You can see some of it's results in the frequent mean-green-meme bashing that is going on in Wilberian circles - which is another topic showing, in my view, some of the possible pathologies of yellow and beyond - if indeed that color coding makes any sense). This is the spiritual male's way out of the necessary acceptence of powerlessness, unknowing and embeddedness that we have to face.
There is no culture of suffering - rather every man seems to be looking for a way out: either through spirituality, or technology or or economy/politics/military. The Buddha's promise that there is an end of suffering hasn't done much good either, as I see it. (As not many people - usually men - have been able to go that way to it's very end of enlightenment; so what about all of us who 'fail'?)
Opening up to and opening up as the suffering here with me (in me) gives me depth and connects, showing me the blessing of being alive in the mystery called reality. If this 'way' is wrapped up in some kind of friendly heroic words men actually get interested in taking it I've found.
So, back to your question. When I look at your face on the picture with Geert (and I must say it looks familiar to me; have you been in seminars with Michael Barnett?) I don't think that men will not be attracted to you. But what I do think that it is good to come from, “I really don't know what you are, know, feel, etc.” This is what I practise with my girlfriend (I practise; she does whatever she does to go through the difficulties I manifest for her). Allowing myself to find out day by day what this paradoxical creature I'm with is being.
(She is definetly not a mirror - even though at times I see my ideosyncracies clearer though our interaction.)
I really have less and less idea of what it might be like to be a woman (or my girlfriend), and I'm happily and sadly surprised at times how unsurmountably different we are. So best to come from radical respect (and stop the telepathy-syndrom of thinking you know what the other means) and open heart, and see what life brings…
Hmm, I guess I got into rambling a bit. But maybe this might be of some help for you.
Much Love,
Mushin
PS: I've also posted this answer on my blog.
Mushin, your rambling is heavenly!! Thank you for rambling into my life!
And thank you for taking the time to respond to my call. A couple of things tickled my intensely:
1. I have to admit, as a mother, to having always honoured and celebrated my son's “pecker” in all its manifestations. He's 11 and still quite unbridled. Same with my daughter. It wasn't like that for me, but that's one thing I've managed not to pass on… I hope. But at the deeper level, you're right that I will have hurt my son. It pains me that this should be so, but that also seems to be part of the function of parents!!
2. I'm with you on the vertical spirituality. I don't really even like the term spirituality any more. It somehow differentiates spirit as if it was something we could choose not to have. Verticality is also just a metaphor. When it stands for “superiority” then it points to the ego of the person “with altitude”. I prefer to think in terms of breadth of perspective, and there I do see a role for “natural hierarchy”. I don't think individuals make fit leaders until they have substantially grown beyond self-concern.
3. As for the conundrom of the man-woman thing, I have carried it with me in my moving forward, but my juiciest attention is, for now at least, for my own deepest yearning for fulfillment as a woman. And that doesn't need a man. It just needs my attention!
A huge, deep bow to you, Mushin, for your generosity in weaving your melody into this thread.
Helen
Dearest Helen,
1, being a father myself (even becoming grandfather next year) I know about hurting my son. Yes, I did. And so did his mom. Seems to be part of life.
Sometimes I jokingly said, “Let's create a fund for later therapy”. So I utterly agree, it's inevitable that we should cause some harm. But maybe on the foundation of wise love that is not so bad after all. We do, after all, have to learn to cope with suffering… and not avoid it.
2. By 'vertical spirituality' I do mean the idea of superiority: As if God (or whatever one puts at the top of the pyramid) were an absolute king. The same goes for anything absolutely superior. So I'm with you regarding 'natural hierarchy'. I believe in a hierarchy of values (compassion being at the top of mine). I also believe in a hierarchy of competence - but only within the framework of the field in which the competence is aquired.
So a competent meditator, who manages, for instance, to reliably be able to inquire into the 'non-dual' for instance is therefor not nessecarily competent in communication (Wilber is s a good example here with his “Wyatt Earp rant and what followed from that).
And I very much agree with your view of 'breadth of perspective'. I would like to broaden my horizon on earthly matters until the day I die, even in dying I'd like to have the clarity to keep on doing so.
3. Yes, I think a man cannot fulfill a woman's yearning and vice versa. I think that is connected much more with a depth of being and living, and a broadness of scope. Real satisfaction seems to come from the capability to interface on many levels with what is happening right now. I really feel fulfilled (like I did today at a talk at the Esoteric festival in Brno) when I find a way into peoples heart and mind and we enjoy life together… when the “Between” is full of this 'champagne' that is available when we are attuned…
Much love and joy to you,
Mushin
not sure if you will ever see this… but take a look at this… it explains a lot…
cheers, Terri